A Wonderful Trip

Sorry I haven't written in awhile. Last weekend, my husband and I traveled to see some friends for our anniversary. We had a great time. Seeing the city of DC, catching up, eating good food, drinking good drinks. It was just a wonderful time.

The treat of the weekend was that my OCD behaved itself. It wasn't gone by any means, but I did stuff that I haven't done in a long time. I shared food, not just something I could split, but we all shared some amazing chocolate mousse. I don't share food because one of my biggest OCD fears is fever blisters. Our friends have a dog and I handled that amazingly well. I even let him lick my clothes and didn't worry about it. Most importantly, I knew that our friends were out in the world and touched things in their home without using my OCD rules, and yet, I felt completely comfortable there. I still hand sanitized like crazy, I still showered after our day at the Smithsonian. But I felt so much better about so many little things that usually get me into an OCD frenzy.

The weekend was a blessing. But it also made me sad. It was a taste of freedom and when I came home, I felt like I was headed back to prison. But I think that maybe I've held onto just a bit of the momentum that came from the weekend. It was so nice to be just a bit more free, to taste just a slice of something ever so slightly more normal.

To our friends - Thank you for the great weekend! We love and miss you!

TV

So, I was watching New Moon (don’t judge, just love me for it). Actually, I was watching some deleted scenes and in one the main character has been lost and her dad puts her in bed after she’s found. It’s very sweet. That’s not what I saw.

When he lays her in bed, he puts her in the wrong way, with her feet on the pillow, head at the end of the bed. I was watching this with a friend and I know for a fact that this meant nothing to her except for any storytelling value it may have had. For me, it started the OCD screaming. She had her shoes on and they were not only on the bed, but on her pillow! She had not just her clothes on in bed, which is hard enough for me, but she had her jacket on. When I pointed this out to my friend, she said, yeah but she was just on the dirt and that’s not as big of a deal for you. Well, she’s right. But the OCD countered with the fact that that jacket goes everywhere, to school, to the mall, out into the world of germs and now it was in her bed!

This is what it’s like for me to watch tv or movies or read books. I don’t just see the story, I see the OCD. When someone puts their feet up on a couch, I notice. When someone picks something up off the floor and just moves on, I see it. I’ve been watching Bones lately (love it!) and I notice when they touch something gross and they pull one of their lamps over. And I wonder, do they touch that later?

I guess I’m trying to show that OCD isn’t just something that I do. It’s how I see the whole world.

Some Depression I Guess

I've been feeling very blah lately. In one of my therapies last week, we talked about how I've kind of lost my fight. Trust me, it's not that I don't want to beat the OCD, it's that I'm tired and a part of me has simply given in and let it have whatever it wants. Not a good place to be. So, I need to find my fight again.

The next day, in the other therapist's office, I had a great session and gained some feelings of self-worth. Which I then connected as something I can use to help fight. But it's not enough. I'm waiting for that something to kick me into gear. I guess maybe I should go out and find it, but I'm just not sure what it is.

This isn't the best of posts, but I guess it's a reflection of my mood. I'm just so full of feeling nothing that I don't have much to write about this week. Sorry.