Challenges - The Good Kind

Things have been crazy around here these past few months. And I mean crazy in that I'm doing things a normal person does! I don't do it without thought or anxiety, sometimes lots of it, sometimes only a little. But the progress I have made is pretty amazing.

It's odd that most of the time, I don't realize how well I'm doing. Partly, there is a long way to go yet. Also, very few things that we've been challenging have completely normalized. I've been going to Target and shopping, even using a basket, and signing on their credit card machine with the little pen - all without hand sanitizing - for more than a month now. But every time I reach for the pen, I feel a little twinge of fear. I still don't just do stuff without thinking about it like everyone else does. I still consider the possibilities of danger.

However, I don't obsess over these things either. Once I've committed to a challenge, one of the best ways for me to get through it is to just do it. And then, not think about it anymore. I touch the pen, I grab my stuff and I walk out of Target thinking about anything but those germs I can feel on my hands. I try to not give into the focus that the OCD wants me to give it. And so, once I've touched something, part of the victory is forgetting the victory. You see how I might not notice how well I'm doing?

Recently however, we went after some of the biggest monsters of all. I had gone through one of my two week challenges for doors, but I left out the doors of the places that I consider really scary. Don't get me wrong, Target and Starbucks scared me to death but at least I never stopped going to those places altogether. Walmart however, I had not stepped foot in for a couple of years, hand sanitizer or not.

So, we went after what we called the "Big Doors." And I did it! We went to 3 Walmarts that were increasingly more difficult based on how dirty they are and how scary the OCD ranks them. We went to a McDonald's I was terrified of. I've been grocery shopping with my husband and have touched the carts and the products and the pens and watched him (horrified but allowing it) hand over our keys to the cashier to swipe our savings card. I even put gas in the car and went in a gas station. All without hand sanitizing after! And I didn't just go. I had to purchase something at Walmart so that I had to touch stuff during checkout and so that I had something to keep touching from there afterwards.

The OCD hasn't taken these phenomenal victories lightly. Sometimes I will find myself freaking out over a pen that I found somewhere in my house. I tried to begin a challenge to start doing laundry again and I went into an anxiety attack over how it's done and how my husband has broken some of the OCD's demands for the laundry process. It's hard to remember that things in my home should be no big deal when I've managed to touch all this stuff in the world. But the OCD will grab on wherever there is a little crack of opportunity. And so, everyday is still a fight. But it gets easier. I think about that pen at Target a little less every time. Someday, I hope I will not think about it at all.

There's still a lot of stuff I can't do, but the list of can'ts is getting smaller and smaller while the list of cans, things I thought I might never do again, only keeps growing.

An Ode to Glee

Another post about TV, you say? Well, yes. Amazingly enough, TV is one of the things that has gotten me through these past few years. One of my counselors says that I have the most optimistic relationship with TV that she's ever seen. I approach my favorite TV shows in much the same way that I approach a great book. I end up in relationship with the characters, I find truths about myself and about life as I watch these stories unfold. And thanks to the wonder that is TV on DVD, watching shows for hours on end got me through the darkest days of OCD and depression when I couldn't find the energy or the courage to do any thing else.

So, though Buffy (which I haven't been able to even try to sum up) taught me the most about fighting demons and Bones has been like a good friend, Glee holds a very different place. I do love the characters on Glee and I love their story lines as well. But mostly, I love the music and the dancing. As these characters that I've fallen in love with step up and perform on the screen, it truly brings me glee. The show isn't named that simply because it's a glee club. It is a show that conveys joy and other emotions through the power of music. I have spent many an hour re-watching scenes of certain songs with a big silly grin on my face or doing my own private dance (and let me say, I am NOT a dancer).

In counseling lately, one thing we've really been concentrating on are the things I can access to soothe myself, to calm my anxiety so that I can get through a challenge or an attack without giving into my compulsion. One of the first ways I identified to do this was through Glee. When I put on the Glee soundtrack and start singing and dancing along, something in me changes. One night I was especially down and in a matter of minutes, I had turned my mood around just by listening to this music, laying on the couch. It's generally more effective if I sing along, but sometimes just listening or even lip-syncing is just as good. When my counselor and I went over it, she said that music actually changes the chemicals and pathways in our brains. It has a very real and strong power. And when I turn to this uplifting, joyful, energetic music (even the sad songs, somehow) I cannot help but be drawn in. Music has always been a big part of my life, both the listening and creating of it. Especially through high school and college, as a melancholy singer/songwriter, I would poor my depression into my songs. The songs I've written have been both therapy and a record of my journey. But I do not think I have ever used music in such a happy way as I have with Glee.

The show has given me something else, and that is a character who has OCD. Emma Pillsbury is beautiful and kind. She is wise and wonderful. She is quirky as all get out. And she has OCD. She always has hand sanitizer on her desk and is often seen using it. One time, a student throws up on her and she later tells another character that she went to the hospital and had them give her 4 decontamination showers. She has trouble with life's "messes." But she is also someone who believes in growth and moving forward. She daily helps students as the guidance counselor and as we start this second season, she is seeking therapy herself. She has a new boyfriend as well and recently she said that they bought both red and green grapes, mixed them together and just ate them. She's trying to gain her own freedom and find her way out of her chains. I haven't seen very many OCD characters on TV and to have one that is so open and so positive is very powerful and inspirational for me. One of the great messages of Glee is the story of the underdog and how we all can connect to that. She especially has made me feel that I am not alone with this particular brand of my differentness.

And so, I thought I'd give a little shout out to Glee today. I recently wrote an article about my OCD journey for a contest and after I submitted it, I felt bad for not mentioning Glee along with some of the stories that helped me along my way, so I'm making up for it here. When the first episode aired this season, my husband looked over at me and just started laughing. I asked him what was going on and he said I knew I'd look over and see that silly grin on your face and there it is. I don't know that there's another show that brings me this kind of happiness, this Glee. So thank you!

A Tribute to Bones

If you know me well at all, you know that I love the TV show Bones. I found it this past spring and watched it pretty much as quickly as possible. That's 5 seasons, watched in about a month. I loved it. I watched it during one of my darkest periods of depression, a time when I began to think that the OCD was going to be my lifelong companion. I pretty much gave up, except for some little spark that wouldn't go out.

Well, now, that spark has grown a lot and I'm on this journey of fighting back against the OCD. We've recovered so much of my life. I've opened doors, I've set my phone on a table at restaurants. When we're eating out, I no longer guard my arms as though they will burn if they hit the table. I'm in a much different place than just a handful of months ago, and yet, Bones still has an important role. Each time we start one of these new challenges, I pick the reward that I'm working for. Getting the seasons of Bones has been quite motivational. I'm re-watching and completely drawn back in. As a testament to just how much I want to get the next season, season 4, today I asked my husband if we could start a new challenge that I wasn't really sure I was ready for. But man, I want those dvd's. So, I've begun the challenge of shaking people's hands and not hand sanitizing afterwards. It's a big one. But I think it'll be worth it.

This might not all seem like a big deal, it is after all just a TV show. But to me, it's something that has kept me company when there wasn't much light and which has helped me keep moving forward. Thanks, Bones!

A Step Back

Lately, I've written a lot about the victories. I've finally been on a path of moving forward instead of staying still in the OCD, which is awesome, but one of my reasons for writing this blog was to explain the hell that is living in this disorder.

Well, today makes that easy. I had a glimpse of the utter darkness that has blessedly lifted as of late. It all started with a fever blister...

I do not understand why fever blisters/cold sores are the center of my personal OCD. They are the thing that made me afraid of myself and then, I remember the day it happened, I looked at something at McDonald's that I was getting ready to touch and I thought, "What if someone who has a fever blister touched that?" And that was the beginning of my intense fear of public places. It got much worse from there over time, but that was the genesis.

The first summer after I was diagnosed was the darkest period of my life. For 6 weeks, I constantly believed that I had a fever blister. Now, there were small cuts on my lips from them being dry or canker sores in my mouth and maybe one or two real fever blisters, but it was an awful time. Every morning I would make my husband shower right away when he got up. I would shower right away when I got up, because I believed that every inch of me was contaminated from my mouth. I would have to shower a certain way, far more regulated than my shower rituals even now. My husband would have to spray the shower down after I showered. I made him wash the bedding every single day. I pulled my hair back and put a headband on so no fly aways could hit my lips. I sat huddled on my couch, watching TV, afraid to touch anything for fear I would contaminate it. I had a bottle of hand sanitizer near me because I felt as though I was constantly spitting on myself and would have to sanitize my arms or hands or wherever I felt it hit. I got to the point where I was almost afraid to talk. I was terrified of talking on the phone and would clean it off after anytime that it was necessary for me to use it. If it weren't for The Gilmore Girls, I'm not sure what I would have done with myself, because I was trapped inside myself. I didn't kiss my husband for 6 weeks. I didn't let him near me to sleep. I could sit near him on the couch, only if I sat a certain way where I felt I couldn't contaminate him. And this was a fear I could not take any break from. Generally, there are no breaks from OCD since germs are everywhere, but you truly cannot escape for even a bit when the thing you are frightened of is your own body. There were other things that I had to do to feel like I wasn't going to spread fever blisters to my whole body and this time was hell.

The fall after that first awful summer, I got on a medication to prevent fever blisters. For the past 2 years, I have still been incredibly afraid of them, and many times believed I had one. But never to the extent of that summer. Though I took precautions so that if any one ever came on, I'd be safe. That's why I never touched my mouth without hand sanitizing. That's why I put my toothpaste on my hand first, washed my hands after brushing my teeth, set my cups on paper towels...all of my weird mouth stuff. And recently, just 2 months ago, I defeated those terrible habits. I knew my mouth was safe and I learned how to embrace that part of me again.

Yesterday, I had a day of going back and forth over whether the spot on my mouth was a fever blister. I've had a few of these in the past several months and every time came to the conclusion that it was not and that I was safe. My lips are always really dry (I know, I know, drink more water) and so usually I finally determine that they're just cracked. But this one I have not been able to overcome. My husband stands firm in believing that it's not a fever blister, but I haven't been able to accept it since sometime yesterday late afternoon. And today has been the worst day of anxiety, no, absolute fear, that I've had in a long time.

So, we made a deal with the OCD. I get to treat this as though it's a fever blister - however, only in the ways a normal person would do so. That means I wash my hands after I touch my lips. Um, that's pretty much all I'm allowed. It's been an incredibly hard day. I showered last night, so I wasn't allowed on this morning. I kept my pajamas on, something I do everyday, but not something I wanted to do today. I was terrified of my hair that had been all over my pillow in the night with my mouth. I've been forced to touch things as normal and not protect them from myself. It's been rough. I took my extra anxiety pill last night and today, something I haven't needed to do for months. But I'm fighting and that's what really matters. I hope I can keep it up. I hope that when it's gone I don't decide that we need to wash the sheets or something.

One of my husband's greatest encouragements (and bless him, he had a LOT) today was related to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I love. He said I needed to be her. I need to fight the demons like she does and believe I can do it and be strong. So, instead of a Vampire Slayer, I am the OCD slayer. Today felt like a step back into the blackness, but this time I fought a lot harder and I think there's been some light of victory today. There's been some slaying going on.

Vacation

We just took our big summer trip to visit our families. We spent a week in Kansas with my family and a week in South Dakota with my husband's. It was great. We had such a good time. When we got back, one of my friends asked me how the OCD was while we were gone and I said, "we kicked its ass!"

The challenge for the trip was that I needed to be able to touch pretty much anything at my parents' house, my grandma's house, my in-laws house, etc. I also ended up touching public doors in the small town my parents live in. It seemed like a good place to start. In a town of 1,500, I'm not nearly as scared as I am in Nashville (though I'm still plenty scared.) I managed this really well. I touched doors in one of the slightly bigger towns in South Dakota too...they have about 15,000 people so that was a real jump up. We had a couple of things we really had to talk through, but overall, I did great. And coming off of our last challenge (going places and coming home, not changing my clothes and sitting on the couch and stuff) we even went to a movie! I haven't been to a movie without showering afterwards for 2 years. And I did it this time!

It's really hard to explain how big these victories are. The fact that I now put toothpaste directly onto my toothbrush feels like an exciting achievement every time I do it. One afternoon in South Dakota that involved hugs and board games and a dining table, I said to Dave, "Do you know how many times I would have hand sanitized for this afternoon at Christmas?" I counted that there were at least 8 times that I would have reached for that little bottle and I didn't this time.

Probably the weirdest thing about all of this is that I feel like each time I do something the normal way, it should be a big deal. People should be questioning me or there should be a big fanfare or at least I should go into a full on panic attack. But instead, once I've made the commitment to go after a trigger, and especially after doing it for a bit, the normalcy just slips quietly in. I don't think this means I could have reached this point at any time these past two years. Something in the last two months has certainly changed. I know a piece of it is medicine, but I think there have also been changes in my spirit and in my brain. I don't really need to pinpoint it. I'm just glad that things aligned and we've been able to go after these challenges. And succeed.

Hope

A few weeks ago my doctor added a new medication. It's helping for right now, though I'm hesitant to trust it because every new medicine seems to give me some hope and then just tapers off. But my husband and I have taken advantage of this upswing.

A week and a half ago I made the comment that I wanted to do more with the fight against the OCD. Well, my husband jumped on that. He hadn't heard me say anything like that for so long, he couldn't let the opportunity slide by. So the next day, he suggests a real plan.

For the past 2 years I have barely touched my mouth and never without hand sanitizing or washing my hands. I'm so afraid of fever blisters and that I won't know when one is coming. So, it's been one of my bigger struggles and keeps me afraid of myself, which is a quite miserable place to be. I had recently been able to touch my mouth, just a couple of times and very briefly, but we decided this would be the one we would go after. My husband and I wrote up a list for the challenge. Each day I could not wash or hand sanitize after touching my mouth, eating with my hands, brushing my teeth, etc. Things I don't even think about anymore - I just take care of it right after. Also, each day, I would be required to touch my mouth 5 times a day quickly and once for a more extended period of time. My husband said that if I did this for 2 weeks, he'd be so proud of me and would get me a present that equaled this immense challenge.

The first couple days were very hard, but though there was some anxiety, I never had a full on anxiety or panic attack. There was something about knowing I'd done it a couple times before and also having committed to it. It's also been very helpful that this is the only goal we're working on right now. I don't have to worry about my feet or the doorknob for these 2 weeks. We're just going after one compulsion very hard.

And let me tell you, this has been an awesome victory! I'm doing great at it. I'm 11 days in and I'm fully capable of touching my mouth and doing all kinds of normal things regarding it without cleaning my hands. It feels amazing! To have something so normal taken from you and then to get it back...well, it feels like I just learned to walk again or something.

The goal is to just keep going. Every 2 weeks we're going to try to attack another compulsion and consistently go after it for the 2 week stretch until it becomes no big deal to me. I hope we can do it. I hope I can do it. But the one thing that this has given me, something even bigger than being able to touch my mouth, is hope. For the first time in a loooooooong time I have some hope again. I feel stronger, braver and just more optimistic. Each challenge still scares me completely, but I feel like maybe we can just chip away at this little by little, like a great piece of granite, and maybe finally something beautiful will emerge. It's a long road ahead but it looks like there's a bit of light, at least for now.

Thanks for all your support and prayers and encouragement. Keep praying and maybe I'll make it though this....one victory at a time.

Presents

It's been so long since I've written anything you probably thought I'd given up this blog thing. I've been pretty depressed lately, and if you know anything about depression, you know it sucks the motivation right out of ya. So...that's my excuse and I'm stickin' to it.

My husband and I have decided to try a new tactic against the OCD: flat out bribery. You see, a few weeks back, my husband walks in the room and says, "I see some cups without paper towels under them. How about you don't use any paper towels under cups anymore?" (Why the paper towels you ask? Well, I'm terrified of fever blisters, even though I've gotten them my whole life, and I put the paper towel under the cups to catch any germs that would drip down the sides. But you don't have a fever blister right now, you say. Yeah, that doesn't matter.)

So, I look up at my husband and say, "No, I don't think I can do that." "How about for a present?" he asks. OK. And that battle was conquered. They will not all be that easy. I was close to letting go of that one anyway for some reason. I hadn't been as consistent about using paper towels. But we decided to go after other stuff in a similar manner. Right now, I'm working on not cleaning off my purse when I take it places. The first couple of times, I still cleaned off the handles, which was cheating, but the last time, I didn't even do that. When I do this several times and it becomes normalized to not clean it anymore, then I get a present.

Sometimes I feel like a 5 year old being bribed with candy and toys...