A week and a half ago I made the comment that I wanted to do more with the fight against the OCD. Well, my husband jumped on that. He hadn't heard me say anything like that for so long, he couldn't let the opportunity slide by. So the next day, he suggests a real plan.
For the past 2 years I have barely touched my mouth and never without hand sanitizing or washing my hands. I'm so afraid of fever blisters and that I won't know when one is coming. So, it's been one of my bigger struggles and keeps me afraid of myself, which is a quite miserable place to be. I had recently been able to touch my mouth, just a couple of times and very briefly, but we decided this would be the one we would go after. My husband and I wrote up a list for the challenge. Each day I could not wash or hand sanitize after touching my mouth, eating with my hands, brushing my teeth, etc. Things I don't even think about anymore - I just take care of it right after. Also, each day, I would be required to touch my mouth 5 times a day quickly and once for a more extended period of time. My husband said that if I did this for 2 weeks, he'd be so proud of me and would get me a present that equaled this immense challenge.
The first couple days were very hard, but though there was some anxiety, I never had a full on anxiety or panic attack. There was something about knowing I'd done it a couple times before and also having committed to it. It's also been very helpful that this is the only goal we're working on right now. I don't have to worry about my feet or the doorknob for these 2 weeks. We're just going after one compulsion very hard.
And let me tell you, this has been an awesome victory! I'm doing great at it. I'm 11 days in and I'm fully capable of touching my mouth and doing all kinds of normal things regarding it without cleaning my hands. It feels amazing! To have something so normal taken from you and then to get it back...well, it feels like I just learned to walk again or something.
The goal is to just keep going. Every 2 weeks we're going to try to attack another compulsion and consistently go after it for the 2 week stretch until it becomes no big deal to me. I hope we can do it. I hope I can do it. But the one thing that this has given me, something even bigger than being able to touch my mouth, is hope. For the first time in a loooooooong time I have some hope again. I feel stronger, braver and just more optimistic. Each challenge still scares me completely, but I feel like maybe we can just chip away at this little by little, like a great piece of granite, and maybe finally something beautiful will emerge. It's a long road ahead but it looks like there's a bit of light, at least for now.
Thanks for all your support and prayers and encouragement. Keep praying and maybe I'll make it though this....one victory at a time.
