Challenges - The Good Kind

Things have been crazy around here these past few months. And I mean crazy in that I'm doing things a normal person does! I don't do it without thought or anxiety, sometimes lots of it, sometimes only a little. But the progress I have made is pretty amazing.

It's odd that most of the time, I don't realize how well I'm doing. Partly, there is a long way to go yet. Also, very few things that we've been challenging have completely normalized. I've been going to Target and shopping, even using a basket, and signing on their credit card machine with the little pen - all without hand sanitizing - for more than a month now. But every time I reach for the pen, I feel a little twinge of fear. I still don't just do stuff without thinking about it like everyone else does. I still consider the possibilities of danger.

However, I don't obsess over these things either. Once I've committed to a challenge, one of the best ways for me to get through it is to just do it. And then, not think about it anymore. I touch the pen, I grab my stuff and I walk out of Target thinking about anything but those germs I can feel on my hands. I try to not give into the focus that the OCD wants me to give it. And so, once I've touched something, part of the victory is forgetting the victory. You see how I might not notice how well I'm doing?

Recently however, we went after some of the biggest monsters of all. I had gone through one of my two week challenges for doors, but I left out the doors of the places that I consider really scary. Don't get me wrong, Target and Starbucks scared me to death but at least I never stopped going to those places altogether. Walmart however, I had not stepped foot in for a couple of years, hand sanitizer or not.

So, we went after what we called the "Big Doors." And I did it! We went to 3 Walmarts that were increasingly more difficult based on how dirty they are and how scary the OCD ranks them. We went to a McDonald's I was terrified of. I've been grocery shopping with my husband and have touched the carts and the products and the pens and watched him (horrified but allowing it) hand over our keys to the cashier to swipe our savings card. I even put gas in the car and went in a gas station. All without hand sanitizing after! And I didn't just go. I had to purchase something at Walmart so that I had to touch stuff during checkout and so that I had something to keep touching from there afterwards.

The OCD hasn't taken these phenomenal victories lightly. Sometimes I will find myself freaking out over a pen that I found somewhere in my house. I tried to begin a challenge to start doing laundry again and I went into an anxiety attack over how it's done and how my husband has broken some of the OCD's demands for the laundry process. It's hard to remember that things in my home should be no big deal when I've managed to touch all this stuff in the world. But the OCD will grab on wherever there is a little crack of opportunity. And so, everyday is still a fight. But it gets easier. I think about that pen at Target a little less every time. Someday, I hope I will not think about it at all.

There's still a lot of stuff I can't do, but the list of can'ts is getting smaller and smaller while the list of cans, things I thought I might never do again, only keeps growing.

An Ode to Glee

Another post about TV, you say? Well, yes. Amazingly enough, TV is one of the things that has gotten me through these past few years. One of my counselors says that I have the most optimistic relationship with TV that she's ever seen. I approach my favorite TV shows in much the same way that I approach a great book. I end up in relationship with the characters, I find truths about myself and about life as I watch these stories unfold. And thanks to the wonder that is TV on DVD, watching shows for hours on end got me through the darkest days of OCD and depression when I couldn't find the energy or the courage to do any thing else.

So, though Buffy (which I haven't been able to even try to sum up) taught me the most about fighting demons and Bones has been like a good friend, Glee holds a very different place. I do love the characters on Glee and I love their story lines as well. But mostly, I love the music and the dancing. As these characters that I've fallen in love with step up and perform on the screen, it truly brings me glee. The show isn't named that simply because it's a glee club. It is a show that conveys joy and other emotions through the power of music. I have spent many an hour re-watching scenes of certain songs with a big silly grin on my face or doing my own private dance (and let me say, I am NOT a dancer).

In counseling lately, one thing we've really been concentrating on are the things I can access to soothe myself, to calm my anxiety so that I can get through a challenge or an attack without giving into my compulsion. One of the first ways I identified to do this was through Glee. When I put on the Glee soundtrack and start singing and dancing along, something in me changes. One night I was especially down and in a matter of minutes, I had turned my mood around just by listening to this music, laying on the couch. It's generally more effective if I sing along, but sometimes just listening or even lip-syncing is just as good. When my counselor and I went over it, she said that music actually changes the chemicals and pathways in our brains. It has a very real and strong power. And when I turn to this uplifting, joyful, energetic music (even the sad songs, somehow) I cannot help but be drawn in. Music has always been a big part of my life, both the listening and creating of it. Especially through high school and college, as a melancholy singer/songwriter, I would poor my depression into my songs. The songs I've written have been both therapy and a record of my journey. But I do not think I have ever used music in such a happy way as I have with Glee.

The show has given me something else, and that is a character who has OCD. Emma Pillsbury is beautiful and kind. She is wise and wonderful. She is quirky as all get out. And she has OCD. She always has hand sanitizer on her desk and is often seen using it. One time, a student throws up on her and she later tells another character that she went to the hospital and had them give her 4 decontamination showers. She has trouble with life's "messes." But she is also someone who believes in growth and moving forward. She daily helps students as the guidance counselor and as we start this second season, she is seeking therapy herself. She has a new boyfriend as well and recently she said that they bought both red and green grapes, mixed them together and just ate them. She's trying to gain her own freedom and find her way out of her chains. I haven't seen very many OCD characters on TV and to have one that is so open and so positive is very powerful and inspirational for me. One of the great messages of Glee is the story of the underdog and how we all can connect to that. She especially has made me feel that I am not alone with this particular brand of my differentness.

And so, I thought I'd give a little shout out to Glee today. I recently wrote an article about my OCD journey for a contest and after I submitted it, I felt bad for not mentioning Glee along with some of the stories that helped me along my way, so I'm making up for it here. When the first episode aired this season, my husband looked over at me and just started laughing. I asked him what was going on and he said I knew I'd look over and see that silly grin on your face and there it is. I don't know that there's another show that brings me this kind of happiness, this Glee. So thank you!