An Overview...Kind Of

I have been living with OCD for a little more than 2 years. I’m 28 and it’s somewhat unusual for it to hit so late, but it’s hit me and hard. I had a completely different life before this. I went on mission trips to third world countries and didn’t think twice about it. I traveled all over Europe, trains and planes and gross hostels and sometimes by myself. And I didn’t give the germs a second thought. And then it all changed. The severity has gradually gotten worse over the past 2 years, but the onset has been pretty rapid in the span of my life.

I’m not sure how to describe my OCD. No wait, that’s not true. There’s one word that does it nicely: fear. My obsessions revolve around germs. I see germs where most people wouldn’t even dream of looking. I notice things that I guarantee your eyes miss. I follow actions, I follow the path of the germs after someone touches something “dirty.” And I’m terrified. I’m afraid that these little invisible germs are going to harm me or ruin my life in some way. Usually, it’s unnameable, though sometimes I fear a particular disease. I avoid places that seem germy. I hand sanitize more than you can imagine. No. Really. A huge bottle of hand sanitzer, and by huge I mean 32 ounces, lasts me about a week. I make my husband do things certain ways, using hand sanitizer after every public door is just an example. Eating out fills me with terror because I have to sit in seats someone else has been in, touch a table someone else has touched. And don’t get me started on how scared I am of the servers. Even church is a place of fear. The throng of people, the “unclean” chairs…most of the time I can’t bring myself to go anymore.

And then, on the occasions when I can convince myself that I’m not actually that afraid of the germs (and these are few and far between) I am afraid of the anxiety. The anxiety attacks or panic attacks or hours of focusing on that one little touch of something dirty are the worst part of this disorder. They leave me a wreck, they leave me unable to even focus on a tv show, and we all know that’s not too hard.

Spread on a thick layer of depression and you get a small glimpse of my OCD life. It is very hard to put into words and I’m sure I didn’t do a great job of explaining it, but I hope to cover more of that through the stories of what my day to day life looks like.

I am fighting to get better. I am seeing two therapists, I'm on medication, reading books, praying, being prayed for and seeking help in as many ways as I can think of. I am not currently doing Exposure and Response Prevention because I am too scared (more on that later) and don’t think I can take it. But I do force myself to do exposures occasionally and life is kind of an exposure too, isn’t it? At least it is when you’re afraid of just about everything in it.

I want you to know that I’m not writing this so you will feel sorry for me, I’m writing this so you will understand. It is hard, but it is my life. And I still have hope of getting out of this dark time. But to ignore it because it is hard will not help the person struggling in your life or you if you are fighting too.

This blog is going to be very personal. If you choose to be a reader, please be gentle. I do not fight this OCD in the “right” ways. I have my husband help me all the time, which to the professionals is called enabling, a word that makes me cry easily. But I am fighting. I have not given in. And this blog is for me to share my story with you. I hope you will be gentle with yourself too.